ELLA – 100WC
Tonight I am going to my friends house, which I am NOT excited about. I like my friend, but I find his parents weird, some of the things in their garden and house are very strange. Their garden is filled with gnomes and they have alarms on every door so they know when someone comes into the room. So when my dad drops me off there is an ear splitting noise.
After my dad leaves, my friend’s parents make us some toast and snacks.
“ Do you want the Vegemite on your toast?” they asked.
“NO!” he said, “ I like Marmite.”
Hey Ella! I am Brooklyn and I really like your 100WC piece. I would say to focus more on your prompt not why your character doesn’t want to go to their friends house. The question of Vegemite and marmite seemed too short, it was as if you where just getting started. I love though, that when the parents asked the child seemed disgusted that they would think he wanted Vegemite.
Hello, Ella! I thought that your 100 WC was very good at describing the friend’s house and working in the narrator’s opinion on the friend’s parents. One thing I think you could improve on was using the prompt in your story, as I believe the prompt felt out of place. I also like how you wrote the story as if it were a diary entry, which gave it a very personal feel. Overall, I enjoyed your story and am excited to see where you take your writing next.
Heya, I’m Spoop! I like how your story is written but I think you could’ve made the “NO!” a little more passive sounding because in all caps with an exclamation point sounds hostile/unwilling. Otherwise, I really like it!
I liked your plot line and how you introduced the characters. Your emphasize on “not” helped me understand the character’s disgust. I would have liked to know more about the friend character and there should be a comma in the fourth sentence but overall very good.
Greetings! My name is Gabbi and I’m from the grand old USA! So, I think the story is good but I feel like the wording could have been more captivating. The use of the prompt was interesting and a bit unexpected, so that was a good thing.
I like how your story felt natural and as if I was listening to a person’s thoughts. I also liked the way the story was written. One thing that could’ve been improved was that sometimes, the story was a little unclear. Overall, the story was good.
Hi Ella! You did a really good job on setting up the story! The way that you showed us where you were going, how you felt about it, and why you felt that way was incredible! I also liked to way that you engaged our sense of sound, and this was intriguing, as I could really hear the sound of that door alarm once your character open the door. However, I think that you could improve a bit on the continuity of your story, as I was a bit confused on who the “he” was for your last sentence. But overall, this was an interesting story that I would love to read sometime, and that’s a really big accomplishment because realistic fiction can occasionally be hard to read!
Good job writing your novel! I think you used the term Marmite very well in your passage. However, try thinking about using some better transition words to help your story flow better. I think other than that, you did very well!