LACHLAN HAS HAD A RATHER BAD EXPERIENCE.
My breath rasped in my chest. BANANA trees grabbed at me forcing me backwards. The humidity of the tropical environment pressed down, HEAVY on my shoulders. My clothes clinging to my chest. That was when I JUMPED.
They were after me.
They wanted to kill me.
Suddenly a spray of bullets showered over top of my head. The bullets DAMAGED everything they touched ripping it to shreds. I shuddered to a halt. Everything was quiet. I looked behind me to see two BLACK figures standing there. I began to run but my body just collapsed. I couldn’t go any further.
LACHLAN – YEAR 8
I really liked the suspense in your story! It has a lot of great, descriptive words that engage the reader in the story. I don’t have too much to critique. The only thing that I could find would be to add a semicolon or comma in the second sentence of the last paragraph. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this short story.