POOR JAMIE!
Boom! My banana flung from my hands and hit the deck with a horrible squelch. Then the cruise ship started to tip…
Alarms blared in my ears, people desperately jumped from the damaged cruiser. Heavy cargo toppled from the deck and hit the water creating huge geysers. Leaping from the capsizing craft, I hit the freezing water.
I looked around, I heard screams billowing from both behind and front. People were panicking then, I saw the life raft.
Clambering on to the nearest black raft I thought it was safe, then I heard the news – no one knew how to row…
JAMIE – YEAR 8
Hi Jamie, this was an amazing excerpt! Your vocabulary was so great and I was able to visualize the situation. You also used great onomatapoeia and built suspense. Keep up the good work!
Hi Jamie!
I really liked the amount of suspense and action you used in this excerpt, but I think you can put more suspense in the cliffhanger.
Hey Jamie! I absolutely LOVED your story. I loved the realism and visualization you used in your story. I really don’t think there is anything you should work on as your work is spectacular. Have a great day Jamie, and make sure to be washing your hands.
From, Riley