CLOVER HAS THE VEGEMITE / MARMITE DEBATE GOING ON!
“Hey mate, want a Vegemite sandwich?”
“No,” he said, “ I like Marmite.”
As an Australian, I simply couldn’t believe that somebody could resist a sandwich slathered with butter and thick, black Vegemite.
I went to the pantry and located the two jars, one Vegemite, the other Marmite. As I untwisted the Marmite lid, its smell quickly leapt out of the jar and punched me in the nose like a prize fighter! It smelled salty and a bit like soy sauce.
‘A soy sauce sandwich?’ I thought. ‘Who would eat such a thing?’
Now for the Vegemite.
Sniff sniff, ‘Oh yeah!’
Great story!
Dear Clover, I really like your story. I think you did a good job writing it. I like how you made it into a debate. It was a fun story. Maybe you could check out my blog!
https://kidblog.org/class/7th-grade-english-19-20/posts?author=7tqi4e43qfjn3gg72gmiybmuu&status=published&status=review&status=draft
Keep up the good work!
Hello Clover! This is Matthew, I love how you expressed the Marmite jar as getting punched in the face. I think it really expressed how the character thought of Marmite and how he disliked it very much. Something that you could take from me is to have more description of the Vegemite and why it was so good to make the character say,”Oh yeah”. I also believe that you could be more specific with your dialogue, but overall It was very descriptive and the plot moved along very well. I thought of it as expressive and eye catching with all that’s going on.
Hello Clover! (Nice name!) I was definitely excited to read this when I read the title; such a catchy name!
Right away I noticed you started with a dialogue, which is creative. As I read, you certainly made it clear that in this scene we have two people; one is an Australian who liked Vegemite, and another who liked Marmite instead! If I was to change anything, I wouldn’t, but I would suggest you add a few more action words, because this scene went pretty fast. Other than that, I could read this again and again without any thought of changing it! The personification you gave the smell of Marmite was probably my favorite part!
-Lina, a buddy from Earth
Hi ! I really like how you described what vegemite looked like and what it could be eaten with, as I don’t have much experience with it. I also liked how you used a simile to show how strong the smell of marmite and how the smell attacked you as it added in some action into it. I think you could’ve clarified why the character was smelling the vegemite at the end as it took me a while to realize. I overall liked how you were very descriptive with your story and can’t wait to read more of you works.
You did a great job of using dialogue to move the plot of your short story. You also incorporated imagery which made your hundred word challenge more interesting. The only thing you can improve is using apostrophes when you write the dialogue and improve the spacing of the text. Overall though, great job!!
Hey Gabriel = I am Clover’s teacher. For our blog, I am the one who adds stuff to the blog, and the way the spacing comes out is just dependent upon the way it is typed. Thanks for your comment though.
Hi! I really liked how you were able to give a very different perspective in this text. I think that next time you could do a little more dialougue
I think that your story was great and I thought the way you described marmite was very interesting. You used a lot of figurative language such as punched me like a prizefighter. Next time for the last sentence instead of using the words sniff sniff you could be like “I smelled the Marmite’s salty smell and said “Oh Yeah!”
I think that your writing is very good, for some critiques, you should describe more of the setting and what the character was feeling and seeing. But overall good job!
Hi Clover! I loved how you used a detailed descriptioon of Marmite to show how much you dislike it. The figurative language was also helpful because I haven’t tried Marmite or Vegemite before. For the last sentence, you could have said, “I smelled” or “I sniffed.” Overall, I enoyed your writing and look forward to seeing you write more!
Hey Clover I really enjoyed reading your writing this week as it has a good amount of humour, and great use of the senses. It reminded me of the Mitre 10 advertisement with the little boys!
Your writing has improved so much this year – keep it up in 2020!